if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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