And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
