I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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