I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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