I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
