Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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