I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
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