Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
