I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
