so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
