The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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