You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
