Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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