Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
