I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
