I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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