not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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