So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
