I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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