Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
