I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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