im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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