All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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