I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
