he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
