I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
