How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
