My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
