420 ftw
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
