Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
