dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
