He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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