Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
