Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
