the condom got lost in my hair
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
