my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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