I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
there's paper in my vomit.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
