If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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