Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
