you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
