me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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