Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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