Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
