He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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