i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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