All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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