look no pants
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
