Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
do nipples grow back?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
