then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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