she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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