Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
