it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
