I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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